Welcome To Elastic Acres
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang on Krieger's Korner debates how to solve another problem facing the world.


**Krieger once again did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind. Trying to solve some of the problems of the world!**

 **Welcome To Elastic Acres**

"Hello!" Krieger waved as he sat in the bullpen. "Welcome to another episode of Krieger's Korner. With me today is the line up of usual suspects. And that's not just an expression with this group. First up is my producer, our own Southern Belle Ray Gillette!"

"Howdy Y'all," Ray waved.

"Every boy's and some girls' secret fantasy," Krieger went on. "Pam Poovey!"

"What's up bitches?" Pam waved.

"And finally, every psychiatrist's nightmare," Krieger finished. "Cheryl Tunt!"

"I like fire," Cheryl giggled as she played with some glue.

"As the arson squad can attest to," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Today we're going to discuss and try to solve one of the major problems of the world," Krieger said.

"Some people would argue that this group **is** one of the major problems of the world," Ray quipped.

"Aw what do Ms. Archer and the CIA know?" Pam rolled her eyes. "As well as the cops."

"And a few psychiatrists I've had," Cheryl added. "A few of them deserved to get stabbed."

"Let's start in with today's topic," Krieger said. "The largest pile of garbage in the world."

"The Fall TV season?" Pam asked.

"No," Krieger said.

"All the crap that comes out of Washington DC?" Ray asked.

"No," Krieger said. "But that does come a close second."

"Well then it has to be that compost pile my stupid brother has," Cheryl said. "Tiffy made him do it. Surprise, surprise!"

"I'm talking about something larger than that," Krieger said. "I'm talking about The Great Pacific Garbage patch floating in the Pacific Ocean."

"Oh," Cheryl said. "Well then it definitely isn't my brother's compost heap. That's all the way back in New York. Boy do those neighbors hate my brother!"

"It's made up of plastic, garbage and other debris as well as toxic chemicals," Krieger explained.

"So was my Aunt Ethel's farm," Pam quipped. "Seriously the only thing she grew was mold. And building citations."

"The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is being studied to see it's impact on the environment and sea life," Krieger explained. "Spoiler alert: the results probably won't be that good."

"Exactly like my Aunt Ethel's farm," Pam added. "In the end they not only had to close down her farm but three other houses on that street! She was not very popular with her neighbors."

"It's larger than the entire country of France," Krieger said. "It's twice as big as Texas! You could probably see it from space! The question is how to get rid of it?"

"That's easy," Cheryl said. "Burn it. Next question."

"You can't just burn an entire island made of garbage," Ray said.

"Yes, you **can!** " Cheryl said. "It's easy. You set it on fire and when it's almost gone the ocean will put it out! What's the problem?"

"This new thing called **toxic chemicals**?" Krieger told her. "Polluting both the ocean and the atmosphere."

"Since when do people care about that?" Cheryl asked.

"Normally I would be completely for unnatural mutations," Krieger said. "But in this case, this goes too far even for me. Besides I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be enough mutations to justify the deaths of thousands of other species and probably a lot of people too so…"

"Okay how about this?" Cheryl said. "We pave over the trash creating a new land space and put a city on it."

"You want to put a city on **floating garbage?"** Ray asked.

"Why not?" Pam quipped. "It worked great for Washington DC!"

"Technically that was a swamp," Ray corrected.

"And what is a swamp _made up of_?" Cheryl asked. "Yucky stuff on top of floating water!"

"You know that's not such a bad idea," Krieger remarked. "It would help the overpopulation problem of the world. Short term of course…"

"You can't be **serious,** " Ray looked at him. "Oh Sweet Jesus you are."

"Now obviously the trick is in the branding," Cheryl said. "We can't call it Floating Garbage Island. And the name Jersey Shore is already taken."

"How about Plastic Beach?" Pam asked. "Oh wait, I think **someone else** is using that title."

"Tunt Town!" Cheryl said. "Or Cherylopolis!"

"Oh good," Ray said. "Name it after yourself. That way all those people will know exactly who to sue."

"I've got it!" Pam said. "Elastic Acres!"

"That sounds good," Krieger nodded. "Using the garbage of the past to create a new future!"

"I like the future part of that," Cheryl said. "But we might want to remove that word garbage."

"The word garbage might not resonate well with consumers," Pam said.

"It is all about the branding," Cheryl nodded.

"I think if you put a city on floating trash you're going to have **bigger problems** than branding," Ray gave her a look.

"Like what?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh, let me think," Ray said sarcastically. "Just off the top of my head…These new things called tidal waves, monster storms, currents… **The smell!"**

"Right…" Cheryl wrinkled her nose. "I forgot about the smell part."

"You think Pam's bowel movements are bad," Ray pointed out. "Multiply that by a trillion!"

"That is pretty bad," Pam admitted. "Plus, the whole flooding thing could be a bitch."

Krieger nodded. "If the city floods and if even **one shark** gets loose and eats somebody you **know** that's going to cause a lawsuit."

"Or a pod of whales goes off course," Pam added. "Crashes into the city."

"Could knock it off course and next thing you know you're in the Arctic Circle," Krieger added. "That'll kill beach season."

"It would kill anybody **on the beach,"** Ray said. "Plus, with the smell of garbage it would attract seagulls from everywhere!"

"The whole damn place would look like an Alfred Hitchcock movie," Pam realized.

"Not to mention it would piss off Captain Nemo," Cheryl realized. "Damn it."

"Not that we don't applaud you coming up with the next Water World Cheryl," Krieger said. "But…Oh who am I kidding? Water World sucked."

Pam thought. "We could just put the vampires on that island."

"That would just be segregation," Krieger pointed out.

"Yeah," Ray looked at them. " **That's** the problem with **that idea."**

"Not to mention putting an entire city on a bunch of chemicals…" Krieger added.

"But that won't bother the undead!" Pam said. "But the smell might because vampires have super senses of smell…Never mind."

"Any other **bright ideas**?" Ray asked.

"Well I don't hear **you** contributing any!" Pam snapped.

"Yeah!" Cheryl said.

"Doesn't Greenpeace or some other organization want to clean up that mess?" Ray asked.

"There is a nonprofit organization called The Ocean Cleanup Foundation," Krieger said. "But they don't have enough money or resources to tackle such a huge pile of garbage alone."

"That's one of my stupid brother's charities!" Cheryl realized. "So, you're saying this is **his fault**?"

"Not exactly…" Krieger paused.

"It figures!" Cheryl snorted. "Way to go Cecil! Okay since this is his mess, he should clean it up! Problem solved!"

"I don't think relying on Cecil is going to solve the problem," Krieger said. "For a lot of reasons."

"Yeah, he did kind of drop the ball in the first place," Pam agreed.

"More like millions of balls, plastic bottles, straws…" Krieger listed. "Food containers, toilet seats…"

"Then we burn it!" Cheryl said.

"No!" Everyone else said.

"Again, that will pollute the oceans even more!" Ray said.

"Fine!" Cheryl said. "Put it all in a rocket ship and send it into the sun! The sun can burn it up! How's **that** for a solution?"

"Where are we going to get a rocket ship?" Krieger asked. "That alone will make billions of dollars! Not even you can spend that much on a disposable spacecraft!"

"I don't know!" Cheryl snapped. "Jesus! Do I have to think of **everything** around here?"

"It does sound like you're overloading your one brain cell," Ray admitted.

"If you can't shoot it into outer space then **burn it!"** Cheryl said.

"No!" Everyone said.

"AGGGH!" Cheryl snapped as she stood up. "What does it matter? The whole damn sun is going to burn out in like a billion years anyway so what's the point of preserving the planet if it's just gonna die anyway? I'll be in my trailer!"

"She has a trailer?" Pam shouted as Cheryl stormed out.

"It's the copy room," Ray told her.

"Oh, right…" Pam realized. "Well she takes all her naps in there anyway."

"Do you smell smoke?" Ray sniffed the air.

"AND SHE ALSO SETS FIRES!" Pam realized.

"NO! NO! NO! NO!" Ray ran off to put the fire out.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled.

"DAMN IT CHERYL!" Ray shouted. The sounds of a fire extinguisher going off was heard.

"YOU'RE KILLING IT!" Cheryl screamed. "DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

"CHERYL PUT DOWN THAT DAMN LIGHTER OR SO HELP ME…" Ray shouted.

"I have a suggestion," Pam said over the sounds of chaos. "How about we stick Cheryl on that trash island?"

"It's worth considering," Krieger admitted.


End file.
